Life balance

Balance. The ultimate goal. Ricky Lankford


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After your heart was broken

Straight away I have two things to say: YES, recovery is possible. And NO, you won’t be sad forever.

Year and half ago I went trough a terrible breakup. There even wasn’t an actual breakup – the guy suddenly moved away without a goodbye, and left me alone in the peak of my feelings. I will not go into details of our relationships, I rather will describe what happened to me after.

I lost peace. I lost sleep. I was sad like never before. I could not work, could not learn, could not fully enjoy my life anymore. Every single event was reminding me of him – the song on the radio, his name everywhere i can look at, things he did and liked – everything just flooded there on me from every corner, making my life unbearable.

I was complaining to all my friends and family. I was trying to go out as much as I can to keep my mind of him. I was crying and depressed every day and it seemed there is no end to this…

For half a year i was hoping he will come back. I was sure about it. How couldn’t he? There was so strong connection between us, so powerful attraction – it is clear he is my soul mate and he WILL come back!!

But he didn’t. Not after half year, not after year and half. Slowly, very slowly, I started to realize that. Half a year passed – he was completely silent. He lived his life like nothing unusual happened. From time to time our common friends were proving me, again and again, that he didn’t have same strong feelings as I had, and that he is not returning.

After half a year I decided to tell him everything what was on my mind. Everything what should have been said face-to-face on a good-bye talk which never happened. So I sent him an email, long and dramatic email about how I felt and how much he hurt me, and at the same time apologizing for me hurting him. He did not reply anything. But I know he has read it, and it was a crucial moment for me – I started to feel better.

I was still thinking of him, yes. But I didn’t suffer . I was still imagining how he comes to me all sad and sorry and begs me to forgive him. But I was not really believing it . Suffering part was over. Now started acceptance and understanding part, after which I came to a complete recover.

To summarize , I would divide the process to two parts

Just after the breakup:

  1. Cry it out! Let yourself be sad – cry, complain, stay home alone in sorrows. For a while. For a longer while. Don’t try to run from it or hide it – it will be still in your head on the background, and it will be poisoning you and one day will explode in very ugly way. Involve all your friends and family for moral support, and don’t care of those who judge you – they either don’t know how it feels, or they just don’t care about you. Ignore them
  2. Research the internet – when your friends don’t know what more to say – internet does. There are thousands, millions people out there who went, or going, trough the same. See their examples, read about it, connect with them – it really helps to know that you are not alone.
  3. Speak up – if you can – meet or call the person who hurt you ,and say EVERYTHING what bothers you and what is on your mind. Do it not because you want him back (even though you do), do it intentionally to make yourself a favor. To start feeling better. If you can’t do it – write it down on paper and then destroy. It was a huge milestone for me when I wrote that email

After suffering part is over:

  1. According to researches – emotional pain lasts 12 minutes!! After that its fed by our own thoughts and reactions. If you can make yourself suffer – you can make yourself happy.
  2. The person who hurt you, most probably did not do it on purpose. He did not wake up that morning with the thought – today I will hurt her! That will be cool! People act out of their own pains and insecurities – you just happened to participate in their own life battles. Try to forgive him
  3. Get rid of regrets – believe it or not, there was nothing you could do about the situation to keep him from walking away, from cheating etc. That person was sent to you for a lesson, and only for it. No matter what you do, no matter how much effort you put – you cant change it. Its not your soul mate! soul mates do not walk away so easily.
  4. Following 3 – be grateful for lessons he gave you. Maybe he pushed your boundaries and you realized you are capable of more. Maybe he was giving you all his love and attention so that you realize that you deserve it. Or maybe he left you so that you finally believe that you can manage on your own! Think about what changed in your life since he came in and came out, and be thankful for these changes.
  5. The pain is necessary. Without pain we don’t understand what we are doing wrong. We don’t open our eyes. We don’t grow.
  6. Understand that HE is not actually HE. The are millions HEs walking around you, waiting to be chosen. He is not that handsome, kind, loving and special as you remember him. Its our brain who creates that picture of ideal love, trying to complete the puzzle of unfinished relationships. You WILL find another special, you just have to stand up, shake off and go explore the world.
  7. The most important one: LOVE YOURSELF. It cant be stressed enough. All our insecurities – jealousy,  depression, anxiety, … – come from lack of love to ourselves. This pushes us to go and search for love in outside world, and when we find some piece of it – we immediately attach. We are so thirsty and desperate for love and appreciation, that sometimes we are ready to stand any emotional or physical abuse, just to get a sip of unconditional love.

Love yourself, grow , explore, shift your focus on anything what brings you joy.

And remember: you won’t be sad forever.

 

 


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How and why I started running

I ve been thinking to start running for years.. I ve made several unsuccessful attempts, but always gave up after 1-3 tries, each 4-5 minutes long. At some point I decided that Im just not a sport person, and I was OK with it for a long time.

This year many things have changed in my life. I changed work, ended relationships which meant a lot to me, I started driving school and i finally started running.

Inspiration came from a sport-maniac friend, but unlike all the other times – it stayed with me until now and turned to be part of my life. Why? What was different from all the other attempts in previous years?

Well, first of all, I had really good examples between my friends. I was hearing here and there how they do it, how they participate in massive runs or marathons, and mainly – how they enjoy it. Of course, they also tried to drag me into it. My first reaction was – me? running? or doing anything else except sitting on the couch or chair in the pub? NO WAY. Thats just not me, not my lifestyle, you know, Im not an active person,…. and many other important reasons. But under continuous stories about how cool sport is,  these excuses slowly turned into “maybe I should try”.

Meanwhile, being really not an active person, I started to realize how tired, exhausted i feel every day, the energy I had was just enough to come to work and to somehow get trough the day, and then go home, watch a movie or go to pub. I started to be chronically tired, i was breathing heavily after few seconds of run when catching the bus, I had a feeling Im falling apart.

Thoughts about doing some sport became stronger. I was not aiming for doing something professionally, but I started to realize that if i dont do something with my body now – it will be harder and harder with every year.

Of course I decided to try running – Its free, you can start anytime, its outdoor, and everyone is speaking about it. However my brain was still not ready and resisting a change, so it was postponed few times with “I have no running shoes, neither clothes”, or “cmon, the weather is terrible, I cant go run in rain or cold”…

One April day I came home, had nothing planned with friends, I was bored. The weather was amazing – warm and with fresh, pleasant wind. It was pity to stay home, so I just put on “not running” sport shoes and “not running” sport clothes and went outside.

I have run 3 minutes that day. These 3 minutes were probably the longest ever. I couldn’t breathe and I was exhausted and was thinking how the hell people do hours and even enjoy it… I barely finished my 3 minutes. Got some air, walked a bit and relaxed. And then, the huge wave of pride and satisfaction hit me.  I did it!!!  Happiness comes with the result. I moved my ass after months, no, years of immobility. Its not a lot, but it meant soo much to me!! I knew it was just a beginning.

And so it was. I went running again the day after. And then again. Then I bought RUNNING shoes. Amazing light running shoes, which were helping me to get motivated. I look so cool in them! I have to go running just to put this cool shoes on..

Ive chosen comfortable time –  evening after work, as even small hint of waking up at 6am just to run was giving me chill and immediate denial.

I started running regularly and improving every day. I went running even in rain, or when i was not feeling well. NOT RUNNING WAS NOT AN OPTION anymore. I train not only when I feel good and in the mood. I train no matter what, and I always feel better after.  At first I was running twice per week, then 3 times,then i tried to do it every day, I was adjusting and adjusting, modifying according to my schedules and my other plans. Now I run 3-4 times per week and adjusting my other plans according to running schedule 🙂

Since april I have improved a lot. I bought my first tracker – garmin forerunner. Tracking your records motivates even more. You always want to do better than previous time! Now Im running 5km , 30 mins – far from marathon, but this is my first significant achievement , and I can already see improvements in my health. I have more energy, feel more strong, im less nervous and worried, I sleep better and generally feel happier and more satisfied with my life.

I will participate in 5km rainbow run (where part of money goes for kids who have oncology diseases) in 2 weeks from now. My “non-sporty” friends start asking questions – Why would you run just to give some money to some charity if you can just give those money? Well. half year back all these runs didnt make sense to me neither. Now it is all clear: we run, because we love running. Doing this with huge amount of people – its a lot of fun and positive energy. Doing this to help other people  – gives purpose and even more satisfaction from the things we do.

Dont think that running became a toy for me, and its light and easy. Its not.. I struggle and suffer each time. First 15 minutes are now enjoyable – but only if Im in good shape that day. But the next 15 are just suffering. I want to stop and give up and generally – remind me why am I doing it?? but  I push trough, I talk to myself – I made it last time, and several times before – I can do it again! Look, this 70-years old grandpa is running, and I cant?? Im young and full of energy, of course I can!

And I make my 5km every time no matter what. And I know that I will do more. The feelings I have after are just not describable. I feel accomplished. i feel that i can do everything I want. I am more confident in myself. Im improving both mind and body, and there can’t be greater reward. This will pay me off big time.

We are where we are only because we are OK with that. Only when we stop being OK – we start to change.

I will finish this article and go put my shoes on – its hot in here these days, so i go running only after sun is down.

Good luck to everyone who is starting the same track!


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Something is missing

Its 11:20 PM here and I have one of those “overthinking” evenings, when I just cant make it stop. My brain is overwhelmed and tired from mulling daily events and failures all over again. I cant sleep at night, or when I do, I dream about my problems. My thoughts are in chaos, my feelings are mixed, and I literally can not bear it anymore. 

The last time I wrote here was 211 days ago. I was full of hopes and confidence in myself. I was sure I started to make steps towards better life and my dreams, but .. Here I am, after 7 months, on absolutely same place with no progress.

Well ok, I did some small movements, or at least I tried. I got promoted at work. At work which I hate. After a while of boiling on new position I gave up. I said to my management that I dont want it anymore, and I started to hate my job even more.

I  ve read other thousands of articles for self-improvement. I tried learning several new things. And then I quit them all. I did not continue, I did not even get some basic level, I just lost interest and couldnt force myself to do it any longer. Instead I got back to smoking which I quit 2 years ago, and Im hanging out with my friends quite often. Its not that I dont love my friends. But I do nothing else. I dont develop. dont grow. dont thrive for something. Im just wasting my time and staying on the same place for months, or rather – for years. I prefer smoking and drinking as its much easier and more fun than learning. And because of all this I feel even worse.

But why is it happening to me? Im a serial quitter. Whatever I start which looks amazing and attractive at the beginning, I just quit, cant push myself to stay on the track for longer than a week or few. What am I missing here, in me? Is it lack of discipline, or Im trying wrong things, which are simply not for me? I do realize all harm which comes from my lifestyle. But I cant do anything about it. I dont get it.. I feel good for a while when i relax with my friends. But then I come home and every time I feel bad, empty, I did exactly nothing today, the same I did yesterday and the day before. Im continuously thinking about it, Im not proud of myself. But the story repeats every day – I say to myself – I will just go out for 1 hour and then I go back home and I will learn that stuff Ive started. Well. it is never 1 hour…

I wish there was a magician to help me out with this. It definitely has to be magician, who else can manage my case?

Now that i ve put this all on “paper” I feel a bit better. At least it gave some shape to my problem. Its just the smallest thing has left – to find solution 🙂

I will think about it tomorrow. 

 


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Small step forward

It’s great! For the last two days I feel happy and inspired. Let me tell you why.

As I mentioned in the previous post – after reading tons of useless information on finding your passion I came across the only one advice which makes sense to me: don’t search for your purpose, instead consider options around you and do what you can with what you have now. I’m delighted to say: it works!

Generally speaking I nearly hate my job for several reasons: I don’t enjoy the type of work – I am IT admin, and all those configurations, versions and upgrades just don’t interest me; I hate extreme stress which often accompanies my daily tasks, and lets not even mention compensation&benefits part. But.. since yesterday I decided to apply what I’ve read before and started to carefully examine possibilities around. Amazingly, they started to pop up one after another. I realized that there is so much work to do which I may enjoy! For instance, my team doesn’t have visibility of how some of our tools work, and this causes difficulties especially for newcomers. So I created plan-presentation with all those squares and circles in it to visually explain the flow and logic of the tool. It took my attention for the whole working day and a bit more. My colleagues liked it!

Inspired by one day success I decided to go further. I updated useful documentation, started organizing some other stuff. Then based on all the things, which need improvements, idea of making sort of a project emerged in my head. Now I’m thinking if its possible to implement and from where to start.

Another very important aspect of my every day job is to have stress under control, as stress and worries significantly damage my health, slowly I start to feel the impact. I found advice on this too : “Don’t take it personally” approach and “It will not matter in 5 weeks (years)” – help me the most. I didn’t master these yet, but I’m trying to apply whenever I can.

Unfortunately not always we are able to pick the activity, even within our current job. As well in my daily routine I rarely have the whole day to do organizational tasks I like. Not always I will be able to control stress. Not always I will be satisfied with my day. I know I will be down and unhappy again for many times. But last two days at work I felt uplifted, which didn’t happen for quite some time. I made an important baby step towards my goal, and I guess I’m finally coming to understanding of famous sayings “be happy with what you have now and more will come” and “think outside the box”. I just have to keep on moving.