Life balance

Balance. The ultimate goal. Ricky Lankford

I wrote an email to Oprah…

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Dear Oprah,

I don’t even know why Im writing exactly to you. I just started to read a book Return to love, where Marianne Willamson mentioned you on acknowledgment page. I came home and burst in tears and I just had this silly idea in my head to write a letter, and to start it with “Dear Oprah”… I heard many stories where someone unknown writes to celebrity and they actually hear back from them.
So I am hoping to be that special case, and be heard by you. However, I am not writing about any extraordinary or outstanding idea which you may like and support. I don’t offer any help or any involvement in any humanitarian cause.
I seek help for myself. This email is about me .
I don’t know what to do with my life…With myself. I don’t see the meaning of me living and walking on this planet.
On the surface though, I am normal. And sometimes, quite often lately, I want to be normal. I want to get married, have kids, have some job and be satisfied with it.
But it’s not happening.
I start relationships and they fall apart immediately.
I come every day to work and it has no meaning and brings no satisfaction.
I started to grow spiritually and i was sure it will bring me all the answers, but it doesnt.
In fact, now I feel worse than before I touched spirituality – I feel im suppose to be positive and happy, but I am deeply unsatisfied and suffering.
I thought my purpose is writing a blog about life, but it doesnt bring joy anymore.
I thought my purpose is to be with love of my life. But that man doesnt want to be in my life.
I thought Ill be more happy with charity and volunteering work, but they didnt take me for the activity I signed up for. And I dont think it would change anything anyway.
I managed to raise my mood for a while. I managed to get small steps forward in career, in finding my soul calling, in understanding myself and growing as a person. I was writing gratitude journal daily, doing yoga,meditation, watching motivational speeches. I was “happy” for a while. I thought Im starting to figure out life.
I was wrong. I was energized and happy for a while, but I failed to make any significant change in my life.
Working doesnt make sense to me anymore. Going out with friends seems like attempt to fill in the void in my soul. Actually everything I do feels like attempt to fill the void.
I had bad childhood, but I thought I healed it.
I had bad break up with my biggest love, I thought I forgot him, but I can’t love since then.
I jumped into spirituality, law of attraction, meditation, I signed up for career breaktrough course, I had NLP sessions to rewrite my traumas – nothing helps.
I constantly return to my lost state where I feel only apathy and disgust from everything what was bringing me joy before.
And now Im afraid to admit it to my teachers and career coaches. They expect me to be on high vibrations -as I was for a while. Nobody wants to deal with depressed person. Nobody knows how to deal with such person.
Even I don’t know how to deal with myself.
I feel informational and communication overload. I can’t stand social media anymore, although I couldn’t stay without it before. I can’t write in my blog. I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to date.
And I dont want this “spiritual awakening” which I thought I have.
I am scared of my own thoughts. Im overwhelmed with amount of techniques, courses, videos, books and teachers.
I dont know what is right and what is wrong anymore.
I get angry at someone, but then I remember that I have to be positive and loving – and I supress it. Then I get angry on myself for being angry. But at the same time being afraid that other people will cross my boundaries. And I dont know where my boundaries are anymore.. I dont know how to behave
I tried to go within, but my soul is silent.
I dont have answers. I don’t find answers in books. in media. in friends. Talking to my friends doesnt bring me joy neither. Earlier I could not live without my friends. Now I lost almost all of them.
I feel completely alone, lost and empty.
I feel weird with all this spiritual and energy stuff. I tried to attract love to my life, but it’s not working. I tried to imagine abundance and success, but then i lost any interest in it. I feel crazy and losing my mind.
I know very well that I have to be thankful for what I have. I am completely healthy, beautiful, I live in free country, and I managed to move to better country than my original. I have good job, good living space, I have enough money, I have my sister,father, nephew, I have amazing colleagues and a lot of fun. I know all this but I can’t get rid of a thought that something significant is missing.
Why can’t I be normal as many other people around me? All people except me seem to be okay with their life. They are okay with daily tasks and daily life, and its only me who is deeply suffering, and seeking for something nobody knows what.
Why can’t I be happy with what I already have?
Since I remember myself – I have deep suffering inside of me, and I can’t figure out how to break free and finally live happy life without background pain.
I don’t know what is the purpose of this email, Im hoping for help but I know that nobody can help me except myself, and most probably you won’t even get to read it.
Perhaps I just needed to write my thoughts on “paper” and start it with “Dear Oprah”. Perhaps I just needed to share it with someone who may resonate…
Very much hoping for external miracle to happen to me and show me the light.

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The day I started to love myself

That day is not in non-existing past. It’s not in illusory future.  That day is NOW.

I decide that I love myself now. And I will decide it every NOW of my life.

I might have not loved myself in the past. I may not love myself in future. But I commit to love myself now – and it’s enough. This love with last forever.

The day I started to love myself my life has changed. NOW my life is changing. It is full of joy, warm words and sweet emotions. I decide that my NOW is filled with love and blessings. I decide that I deserve this all, because I AM here on this planet. I decide that im good enough for all the goodies out there.

And tomorrow, when I wake up – I will decide the same.

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Ukrainian women vs. career

pexels-photo-584799I started my career as IT specialist 10 years ago. I was a common, average worker. Career never mattered to me. One time I’ve got a promotion, and became a Team lead. I didn’t like it. I couldn’t handle it. And I for sure did not want to progress further. So I returned back to a common, average worker.

Meanwhile I was “trying to settle my family life”. I was sure I will get married, have kids, go for maternity leave, then for another, and then – oh well, you’ve missed 6 years of IT, you won’t be able to come back to IT market, you will be outdated!!! So, all I can do after is being shop assistant.

Not only I truly believed that. The saddest part is that I was preparing for it…

This is what we learn in schools, this is what all my friends do.

Man suppose to earn money, woman suppose to get married with that man. She may work if she wants. But just for fun. To get some small money for her personal needs. Or simply because man doesn’t make enough.

It is Ukrainian mentality. It is Eastern Europe and hundreds years of history. It’s not easy to even become concussions about it, and it’s not easy to overcome it.

I’ve signed up for career break-trough course with coach Mo Faul few months ago. Because despite all my beliefs, the Universe seemed to always force me to become more. My managers were forcing me to take lead positions, and each time I was PROUDLY refusing it. But a tiny little voice kept on whispering: “There must be more out there for you

I’ve signed up for the course being desperate, unhappy and ready to quit my job and become a freelance writer. Not that being a writer is bad. I LOVE writing. But my desire was not coming from love, it was coming from fear. Fear of never being good at my current job.

Little that I knew before joining this course.

I remember on one of our first coaching calls, Mo listened to my complaints about “how bad things are at work and that I want to quit and just lie on sofa and write”.  She replied: “I think you should get a promotion

???!!! Did she not hear what I just said?

But I don’t want to get a promotion!” – I proudly replied

But you should get one. How we do anything – we do everything!”

I got off the call thinking: Well, she doesn’t know me! But I DO KNOW myself, and I will do what’s best for me! I will quit and write!”

You should get a promotion!” …

“What a silly idea! Me? Promotion? I don’t want to!”

You should get a promotion” …

“But I CAN’T get a promotion, I was never good in all 10 years!!!”

You should get a promotion” …

“Damn it, I should get a promotion”

I DID get a promotion. Small, but very firm promotion. It opens many doors for me. People start to get to know me. Start to reach out to me. They come to me for help. They value my opinion, they respect my choice and they do think that Im doing great.

And I AM doing great.

Ever since I set the intention, everything seems to fall into place. I m getting to do the tasks where I can apply all my natural skills – writing, communicating, organizing. And recently I had a chance to apply my skills in making videos, which I enjoyed so much when I was little, but have abandoned long time ago. Law of attraction in action 🙂

For the first time in my life I want to make career. And for the first time I actually believe I can.

“We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.”

Marianne Williamson

Thank you Mo for not letting me play small.

Thank you Universe for sending me people who force me to grow.


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You are awesome

pexels-photo-415380Last weekend was very intensive for me. I’ve signed up for volunteering activity, where you have one kid from dysfunctional family assigned to you, and you spend time with him on a regular basis to support him morally and to try to make him feel better, not so lost and lonely…(something like “Big brother” program).

So over a weekend we had our initial meeting with 10 other volunteers (plus coordinators and psychologist),  from 9:00 to 18:00, on both Saturday and Sunday. We’ve got to know each other, told our stories and listened to the stories of kids which are in the program.

It was terrifying and.. enlightening…

Listening to horrible life stories of other volunteers. And even worse stories of innocent, but already abused kids…

After this weekend I will never be the same again.

My list of daily gratitudes sky rocketed. I finally realized that Im not the only one on this planet who has suffered as a child, and my story is far from being the “the world biggest victim” candidate . And that it’s okay to have terrible past. Most of us do. But there is ALWAYS someone who had much more on his plate than you did.

When I came there, I was sure I am the worse, the weakest, the most victimized, I still burst in tears when I speak about my family,  Im simply the worse!

But once volunteers started to speak their truth, one by one, almost crying, swallowing tears just not to make a scene in front of everybody… I realized how wrong I was.

Im not the worse. I am actually quite awesome.

One guy there was on the contrary super positive and happy, living easy life and smiling a lot. When psychologist asked him – what is the biggest thing you are proud of in your life? He said – What do you mean? Im proud of everything. I graduated university, I’ve got a job, I have a nice girlfriend, I’m doing sports and dancing and I am here to help kids in my free time.

What NOT to be proud of?

I loved this…
The next day my list of daily braggings sky rocketed too.

I am proud for overcoming my childhood story. For not being sorry, not blaming anyone anymore. For working my ass off daily to be a better person. To overcome deep traumas completely on my own. Without psychologist or friends. Turning from always-a-victim to always-in-power role. From self-pity to self-love.

Im proud for getting Master’s degree in Computer science with red diploma. For helping classmates with math and programming. For living in a foreign country completely alone. For getting jobs, earning decent money, saving enough so that I can travel or buy nice things. Learning several languages, doing sports, helping people in my free time, giving money for charities, supporting my friends and family when they need me, loving deeply and fearlessly.

I am proud for cleaning my flat when I am ill. For going to work when not feeling well. For going for a run when it’s raining or too hot. Going biking when my knee still hurts from the injury. For taking care of my body, trying hard to eat healthy.

I’m proud for quitting smoking and drinking. For signing up for amazing coaching course, and having money to pay for it. For my writing skills, and for ability to inspire others.

I am proud to be me. Im proud to be where I am and to have what I have. I did it. I got it.


So often we focus on the things which go wrong, and we forget to acknowledge what goes right. Give yourself a break. You are doing great.

Count your blessings. Count your achievements. Focus on how wonderful you perform. Recognize your smallest wins, there is so much to thank yourself for. Everybody is trying so hard, every day more, every day harder. But it’s never enough for us.

Please take a break. You are worthy of your own love. Take a break from chasing your next goal just to feel appreciated by others, and start appreciating yourself.

And realize how unspeakably awesome you already are.