More courage. Push. Face fears. Show yourself to the world. Stand up and see what happens. Embrace challenges. Love changes. Bring joy and meaning. Be engaged. Be confident you’ll figure it out. Acknowledge your progress. Admit small wins. Accept failures. The journey is a reward, not a destination. Leaving with passion is a choice, not a result.
Lets start with one truth: we all suffered from love dependency. Everyone around you had it, has it now, or is going to have it any time soon.
I had it for many years. Starting at vulnerable age of 18 and continuing for the next decade. The guys and environments were changing, years passing, but my behavior was stable – begging for love was my normal state.
It is only recently that I have realized that it’s gone. The need of drops of love from others has vanished. I do not need drama anymore and I live in peace. Now looking back at how I behaved and analyzing lessons I ve learned – I can say something useful about it.
Love dependency is supported by two concepts: no self-love and attachment to the outcome.
No self-love is an enormous disease of modern society. It comes from our childhood, when parents, siblings, teachers or friends didn’t pay enough attention to us, so we grew up with the thought that we are not enough. That we are not worth of unconditional love, we have to work so hard to get it, compete with others, be outstanding for someone to notice us … We dont love ourselves, so when we have some smallest drop of attention from other person – we hang on it like on drug. We want more. We gonna fight for it and get it, no matter what it takes, so we can again feel accepted, even if just for a short moment, even if there is only a promise of being loved.
The truth is – you are enough and worth of unconditional love no matter who you are, what you do and how you look like. But you don’t realize it. You think that love can come only from others, when in reality it starts from loving yourself.
Caring about yourself, doing things you like, eating healthy food, practicing yoga, sports, reading books, going for SPA , wearing nice clothes and accessories – everything is an indicator of how much you love yourself. Do you buy new clothes regularly, or you wear the same one until it has holes on it? Do you go for SPA/ massages often, or only when somebody gives it to you as a gift? Do you eat good food, or you are trying to save some money by buying cheap low-quality products?
There are thousands of materials out there in internet on the topic of self-love and self-care, so I wouldn’t like to repeat it all here. The point is to read and start doing them! When you rise your confidence by shaping up your body, wearing better clothes, having glowing skin – you automatically start loving yourself. Meditations, affirmations, reading, drawing – anything what makes you feel good and helps you grow.
The second thing which makes us cling on someone – is attachment to the result. For example, we ve met that guy few weeks ago, he is so nice and charming, he seems to accept all of you with all your bullshits and craziness(again, its about desire for someone to accept us the way we are). He is definitely my soul mate!! How else it can be? Nobody else understood me so well before. HE IS THE ONE!
Usually we ignore 10000 signs that he is NOT the one. He is married(!) or has a partner, he is still studying and does not think about family (while you do), he has fun when drinking while you have fun when reading(or vise versa), he sees red where you see green. And that would be absolutely okay under different circumstances. But the problem is that you want it all! You want the final result, now and forever. You want to marry him or at least to have a commitment from him that he is planning to marry you! Or you want serious relationships. And he has to commit now otherwise you ll not survive!! And despite common idea that only girls are like that – guys are doing the same. Many guys wanted loud and clear commitment from me, which I didn’t want to give.
Why don’t we stop for a moment and enjoy the way things are? You have some sweet flirting going on with someone? Amazing! It is really nice that you have it!. Say to yourself – yes, with that person I have flirt. I may have it tomorrow or I may not. With other person I go for coffees. Or dinners. He is nice person so I really enjoy dinners with him! Tomorrow it might be another person to go for dinners with. Or maybe tomorrow I’ll just go shopping.
Don’t expect any outcome of any relationships. Don’t take each of them as “he is the one” thing. Life is not about coming to some final destination point, life is about experiencing new feelings, new people, new things. Even if you get to your “final epic top of the mountain” with that person – what then? Your life will stop? You will be ultimately happy and never want to meet other people again? Or you will meet another “the one” and cling on this idea with him now?
Since I ve realized these two simple things – self-love and no attachment to the outcome – all my relationships became so much easier. I never wait for “HIS” call anymore. I never secretly hope for “marring him and having 5 babies”. I m just really enjoying and being thankful for his/their presence in my life. It would be so boring without flirting, dating, smiles, sweet words and butterflies in the stomach. Definitely it’s a good thing, so just let it happen, and wait to see what’s gonna happen next.
Life is supposed to be joyful and easy. Leave drama for movies 🙂
Positiveness is a skill, and as all other skills – it can be learned. Why would one need to learn it? Well, at least to not be sad all the time. To attract positive people, events and circumstances. To vibrate on high frequencies.
We all heard that what we focus on with our thoughts, words and actions – we attract into our life. If we are focused on poverty, diseases, rude people, crappy job – then this is what we are going to get. More of that. So to attract positiveness, happiness, health – we have to focus on those.
So how do we learn to be positive?
There is nothing new in my words, its all around the internet. But I will mention the things which specifically help me.
Start with turning off the TV and cutting off some online portals. Do not read news! (Unless you are a journalist)
You don’t need to know what is going on in the world. How can you help people in Japan who suffered from a tornado? How can you influence price growth? How is global warming affecting you?
I stopped watching or reading news few years ago, and I really feel happier ever since. Having thoughts like “omg, how to survive in this crazy world?” is going to destroy your peace and mental health in general. Guess what, I survived and I’m doing great.
Quit facebook and any other media which forces you to compare your life to the “perfect” life of others. I quit facebook year ago, and first of all – I have hours of free time, and second – I stopped feeling like a looser while comparing my life to someone’s else. Very often all those happy photos and statuses are fake. And even if they aren’t – who cares?
Stop suffering. One of my favorite life coaches, Olesya Novikova, writes in her blog: to become happy – stop being unhappy first. I completely agree. Before becoming super-positive person, first step to do is to stop complaining and suffering all the time.
Pay attention to the things which you already have. Sort of “gratitude journal”. I don’t have a journal though, but every time I catch myself thinking negatively I force to switch my attention to something good: I don’t have a job I’m passionate about. But hey, at least I have perfect health, beauty, home, friends, good food … It would be so much worse if I didn’t have all those things.
Always find something good in any unpleasant event. Change your reactions. I didn’t get that job in another city. But I met with my friend who lives there and we spent nice time together. Missed the bus/the event – at least I got a good sleep in the morning. You already missed that thing so you can’t do anything about that. Try to find something good out of it.
Affirm positively. Don’t say – my boyfriend is pissing me off. Say – I’m so happy when we talk and solve all of our misunderstandings. Not “I’m never gonna get out of this situation“, but rather “I’m curious how I’m gonna resolve it this time”
Meditate. I am a complete beginner in it – but it already helps. I found guided meditations on youtube, now I have also signed up for local yoga class with meditation. Choose what fits you best. If done properly it really makes you feel peaceful and less anxious.
There are many other ways to become more positive. Pick some and start applying them one by one. Very soon you will notice how your consciousness is shifting. You ll notice that more good events are happening, great people come around and you feel better. Isn’t it amazing?
Straight away I have two things to say: YES, recovery is possible. And NO, you won’t be sad forever.
Year and half ago I went trough a terrible breakup. There even wasn’t an actual breakup – the guy suddenly moved away without a goodbye, and left me alone in the peak of my feelings. I will not go into details of our relationships, I rather will describe what happened to me after.
I lost peace. I lost sleep. I was sad like never before. I could not work, could not learn, could not fully enjoy my life anymore. Every single event was reminding me of him – the song on the radio, his name everywhere i can look at, things he did and liked – everything just flooded there on me from every corner, making my life unbearable.
I was complaining to all my friends and family. I was trying to go out as much as I can to keep my mind of him. I was crying and depressed every day and it seemed there is no end to this…
For half a year i was hoping he will come back. I was sure about it. How couldn’t he? There was so strong connection between us, so powerful attraction – it is clear he is my soul mate and he WILL come back!!
But he didn’t. Not after half year, not after year and half. Slowly, very slowly, I started to realize that. Half a year passed – he was completely silent. He lived his life like nothing unusual happened. From time to time our common friends were proving me, again and again, that he didn’t have same strong feelings as I had, and that he is not returning.
After half a year I decided to tell him everything what was on my mind. Everything what should have been said face-to-face on a good-bye talk which never happened. So I sent him an email, long and dramatic email about how I felt and how much he hurt me, and at the same time apologizing for me hurting him. He did not reply anything. But I know he has read it, and it was a crucial moment for me – I started to feel better.
I was still thinking of him, yes. But I didn’t suffer . I was still imagining how he comes to me all sad and sorry and begs me to forgive him. But I was not really believing it . Suffering part was over. Now started acceptance and understanding part, after which I came to a complete recover.
To summarize , I would divide the process to two parts
Just after the breakup:
- Cry it out! Let yourself be sad – cry, complain, stay home alone in sorrows. For a while. For a longer while. Don’t try to run from it or hide it – it will be still in your head on the background, and it will be poisoning you and one day will explode in very ugly way. Involve all your friends and family for moral support, and don’t care of those who judge you – they either don’t know how it feels, or they just don’t care about you. Ignore them
- Research the internet – when your friends don’t know what more to say – internet does. There are thousands, millions people out there who went, or going, trough the same. See their examples, read about it, connect with them – it really helps to know that you are not alone.
- Speak up – if you can – meet or call the person who hurt you ,and say EVERYTHING what bothers you and what is on your mind. Do it not because you want him back (even though you do), do it intentionally to make yourself a favor. To start feeling better. If you can’t do it – write it down on paper and then destroy. It was a huge milestone for me when I wrote that email
After suffering part is over:
- According to researches – emotional pain lasts 12 minutes!! After that its fed by our own thoughts and reactions. If you can make yourself suffer – you can make yourself happy.
- The person who hurt you, most probably did not do it on purpose. He did not wake up that morning with the thought – today I will hurt her! That will be cool! People act out of their own pains and insecurities – you just happened to participate in their own life battles. Try to forgive him
- Get rid of regrets – believe it or not, there was nothing you could do about the situation to keep him from walking away, from cheating etc. That person was sent to you for a lesson, and only for it. No matter what you do, no matter how much effort you put – you cant change it. Its not your soul mate! soul mates do not walk away so easily.
- Following 3 – be grateful for lessons he gave you. Maybe he pushed your boundaries and you realized you are capable of more. Maybe he was giving you all his love and attention so that you realize that you deserve it. Or maybe he left you so that you finally believe that you can manage on your own! Think about what changed in your life since he came in and came out, and be thankful for these changes.
- The pain is necessary. Without pain we don’t understand what we are doing wrong. We don’t open our eyes. We don’t grow.
- Understand that HE is not actually HE. The are millions HEs walking around you, waiting to be chosen. He is not that handsome, kind, loving and special as you remember him. Its our brain who creates that picture of ideal love, trying to complete the puzzle of unfinished relationships. You WILL find another special, you just have to stand up, shake off and go explore the world.
- The most important one: LOVE YOURSELF. It cant be stressed enough. All our insecurities – jealousy, depression, anxiety, … – come from lack of love to ourselves. This pushes us to go and search for love in outside world, and when we find some piece of it – we immediately attach. We are so thirsty and desperate for love and appreciation, that sometimes we are ready to stand any emotional or physical abuse, just to get a sip of unconditional love.
Love yourself, grow , explore, shift your focus on anything what brings you joy.
And remember: you won’t be sad forever.
Its 11:20 PM here and I have one of those “overthinking” evenings, when I just cant make it stop. My brain is overwhelmed and tired from mulling daily events and failures all over again. I cant sleep at night, or when I do, I dream about my problems. My thoughts are in chaos, my feelings are mixed, and I literally can not bear it anymore.
The last time I wrote here was 211 days ago. I was full of hopes and confidence in myself. I was sure I started to make steps towards better life and my dreams, but .. Here I am, after 7 months, on absolutely same place with no progress.
Well ok, I did some small movements, or at least I tried. I got promoted at work. At work which I hate. After a while of boiling on new position I gave up. I said to my management that I dont want it anymore, and I started to hate my job even more.
I ve read other thousands of articles for self-improvement. I tried learning several new things. And then I quit them all. I did not continue, I did not even get some basic level, I just lost interest and couldnt force myself to do it any longer. Instead I got back to smoking which I quit 2 years ago, and Im hanging out with my friends quite often. Its not that I dont love my friends. But I do nothing else. I dont develop. dont grow. dont thrive for something. Im just wasting my time and staying on the same place for months, or rather – for years. I prefer smoking and drinking as its much easier and more fun than learning. And because of all this I feel even worse.
But why is it happening to me? Im a serial quitter. Whatever I start which looks amazing and attractive at the beginning, I just quit, cant push myself to stay on the track for longer than a week or few. What am I missing here, in me? Is it lack of discipline, or Im trying wrong things, which are simply not for me? I do realize all harm which comes from my lifestyle. But I cant do anything about it. I dont get it.. I feel good for a while when i relax with my friends. But then I come home and every time I feel bad, empty, I did exactly nothing today, the same I did yesterday and the day before. Im continuously thinking about it, Im not proud of myself. But the story repeats every day – I say to myself – I will just go out for 1 hour and then I go back home and I will learn that stuff Ive started. Well. it is never 1 hour…
I wish there was a magician to help me out with this. It definitely has to be magician, who else can manage my case?
Now that i ve put this all on “paper” I feel a bit better. At least it gave some shape to my problem. Its just the smallest thing has left – to find solution 🙂
I will think about it tomorrow.
It’s great! For the last two days I feel happy and inspired. Let me tell you why.
As I mentioned in the previous post – after reading tons of useless information on finding your passion I came across the only one advice which makes sense to me: don’t search for your purpose, instead consider options around you and do what you can with what you have now. I’m delighted to say: it works!
Generally speaking I nearly hate my job for several reasons: I don’t enjoy the type of work – I am IT admin, and all those configurations, versions and upgrades just don’t interest me; I hate extreme stress which often accompanies my daily tasks, and lets not even mention compensation&benefits part. But.. since yesterday I decided to apply what I’ve read before and started to carefully examine possibilities around. Amazingly, they started to pop up one after another. I realized that there is so much work to do which I may enjoy! For instance, my team doesn’t have visibility of how some of our tools work, and this causes difficulties especially for newcomers. So I created plan-presentation with all those squares and circles in it to visually explain the flow and logic of the tool. It took my attention for the whole working day and a bit more. My colleagues liked it!
Inspired by one day success I decided to go further. I updated useful documentation, started organizing some other stuff. Then based on all the things, which need improvements, idea of making sort of a project emerged in my head. Now I’m thinking if its possible to implement and from where to start.
Another very important aspect of my every day job is to have stress under control, as stress and worries significantly damage my health, slowly I start to feel the impact. I found advice on this too : “Don’t take it personally” approach and “It will not matter in 5 weeks (years)” – help me the most. I didn’t master these yet, but I’m trying to apply whenever I can.
Unfortunately not always we are able to pick the activity, even within our current job. As well in my daily routine I rarely have the whole day to do organizational tasks I like. Not always I will be able to control stress. Not always I will be satisfied with my day. I know I will be down and unhappy again for many times. But last two days at work I felt uplifted, which didn’t happen for quite some time. I made an important baby step towards my goal, and I guess I’m finally coming to understanding of famous sayings “be happy with what you have now and more will come” and “think outside the box”. I just have to keep on moving.