Life balance

Balance. The ultimate goal. Ricky Lankford


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Your dreams vs. dreams of others

 

What are your deepest heart desires? What makes you genuinely happy? What do YOU want from life?

My whole life I have been following dreams of others.

  • Everyone is losing weight – I have to do it too! (I have 49 kilos…)
  • Everyone learns programming – it will open all doors for me – Im gonna learn it too!
  • Everyone gets married by 25, 30, .. – I have to get married too!
  • Everyone buys a flat – damn, I still don’t have money for it – What am I going to do??? my life is over…

I never realized one simple truth. I don’t want all those things

I don’t want to buy a flat, Im not planning to stay here forever, or even if I will – it’s perfectly fine to rent a flat. Even if for the next 10 years. Even if my whole life. Maybe I will change my opinion later, but right now I DONT WANT TO BUY A FLAT.

I don’t want to just get married. I want to fall in love, have healthy and harmonious relationships, and then, and ONLY then I want to create a family. I DONT WANT FAMILY before having loving relationships.

Losing weight, oh God… With the weight of 48-50 kilo I was starving for weeks, going to the gym, and still thinking that Im fat.. Because everyone else seems to be fat too! Everybody goes to them gym to lose weight, so should I…

And damn it, I don’t want to code! Yes I am in IT. I studied Computer science. And everybody around me dreams to be a programmer. But that’s not my thing! I mean, I CAN code.  I am QUITE good at it. I was learning it for a while, when I managed to FORCE myself into it. I had to make an enormous effort to study. Programmers earn good money! There is no other way to earn good money but to code! My father would be proud of me! My friends would envy me! … But one day I simply gave myself permission to not be what everyone else wants. I don’t want to be a developer. period.

Such a relief..

When I stopped wanting what others want – I started to feel my own desires. And I started to follow them.

I want to be a writer. Maybe a life coach. Maybe corporate consultant or PR manager – I dont know yet. And it’s okay not to have it figured out. I enjoy every day of discovering who am I and what is my life purpose. Im getting closer to my true self by simply following my wishes.

I want to have a cat, to write, reach out, connect, help. Bring more light around me. I want to travel , to visit Asia. I don’t want to settle.

I want to have loving relationships WITH THAT SPECIFIC PERSON. UUf, such a tabu all over the internet – NEVER wish for a specific person. But I say – go ahead and wish. Do not deny your own desires, it will just cause destructive resistance inside of you. It did cause nearly a war inside of me!

– I want him!

– No, you can’t want him, it’s written in internet, didn’t you see it? You can’t!

– Ok, I don’t want him! ….. Damn, I still do want him.

– No,no, you can’t, he has free will and everything. you cant want what you want!

Until I finally surrendered and said to myself: Yes, I want HIM. But I’m opened to other options.

Another huge relief from my shoulders.

I AM ALLOWED TO WANT WHAT I WANT!!! 

Doesn’t it make you happy just by realizing this?

My life has dramatically changed since I let myself feel and put my desires first. I am real, and so my dreams are real too. They are valid, no matter how crazy, small, unimportant or unusual they may seem..

It’s okay not to be a programmer. It’s okay to be me.

 

 

 

 

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You are awesome

pexels-photo-415380Last weekend was very intensive for me. I’ve signed up for volunteering activity, where you have one kid from dysfunctional family assigned to you, and you spend time with him on a regular basis to support him morally and to try to make him feel better, not so lost and lonely…(something like “Big brother” program).

So over a weekend we had our initial meeting with 10 other volunteers (plus coordinators and psychologist),  from 9:00 to 18:00, on both Saturday and Sunday. We’ve got to know each other, told our stories and listened to the stories of kids which are in the program.

It was terrifying and.. enlightening…

Listening to horrible life stories of other volunteers. And even worse stories of innocent, but already abused kids…

After this weekend I will never be the same again.

My list of daily gratitudes sky rocketed. I finally realized that Im not the only one on this planet who has suffered as a child, and my story is far from being the “the world biggest victim” candidate . And that it’s okay to have terrible past. Most of us do. But there is ALWAYS someone who had much more on his plate than you did.

When I came there, I was sure I am the worse, the weakest, the most victimized, I still burst in tears when I speak about my family,  Im simply the worse!

But once volunteers started to speak their truth, one by one, almost crying, swallowing tears just not to make a scene in front of everybody… I realized how wrong I was.

Im not the worse. I am actually quite awesome.

One guy there was on the contrary super positive and happy, living easy life and smiling a lot. When psychologist asked him – what is the biggest thing you are proud of in your life? He said – What do you mean? Im proud of everything. I graduated university, I’ve got a job, I have a nice girlfriend, I’m doing sports and dancing and I am here to help kids in my free time.

What NOT to be proud of?

I loved this…
The next day my list of daily braggings sky rocketed too.

I am proud for overcoming my childhood story. For not being sorry, not blaming anyone anymore. For working my ass off daily to be a better person. To overcome deep traumas completely on my own. Without psychologist or friends. Turning from always-a-victim to always-in-power role. From self-pity to self-love.

Im proud for getting Master’s degree in Computer science with red diploma. For helping classmates with math and programming. For living in a foreign country completely alone. For getting jobs, earning decent money, saving enough so that I can travel or buy nice things. Learning several languages, doing sports, helping people in my free time, giving money for charities, supporting my friends and family when they need me, loving deeply and fearlessly.

I am proud for cleaning my flat when I am ill. For going to work when not feeling well. For going for a run when it’s raining or too hot. Going biking when my knee still hurts from the injury. For taking care of my body, trying hard to eat healthy.

I’m proud for quitting smoking and drinking. For signing up for amazing coaching course, and having money to pay for it. For my writing skills, and for ability to inspire others.

I am proud to be me. Im proud to be where I am and to have what I have. I did it. I got it.

ALL. BY. MYSELF

So often we focus on the things which go wrong, and we forget to acknowledge what goes right. Give yourself a break. You are doing great.

Count your blessings. Count your achievements. Focus on how wonderful you perform. Recognize your smallest wins, there is so much to thank yourself for. Everybody is trying so hard, every day more, every day harder. But it’s never enough for us.

Please take a break. You are worthy of your own love. Take a break from chasing your next goal just to feel appreciated by others, and start appreciating yourself.

And realize how unspeakably awesome you already are.

 

 

 

 


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She’s got her power back

pexels-photo-573299You know. That special, attractive woman power. When you smile a lot and everything seems possible. When random strangers smile back at you and come and start conversation. When you feel excitement for life, and deep peace inside at the same time. When people around are charging from you and raising their own vibration and spirit. Magical, god-like, unstoppable power of love.

For a while she gave that power away to a man. A man which she thought is meant for her, and that she could not survive without him. When she gave away her power, she lost her shine and beauty. Her light got locked away in the cage of fear. Fear of loss and not being good enough. Her light drowned in the darkness of misery and self-pity.

And he felt it. He felt she can’t survive without him. And so he left, to prove her the opposite. He left, so that she could raise again. So that she finally learns not to let anybody on this planet have such control over her.

And she felt that it’s coming. She knew it’s inevitable. She had to go trough a place of deep loneliness again, as another reminder to love herself unconditionally and to hold on to her inner strength. To go within and find unshakable confidence despite any outside storms.

And so she’s got back up, shook off the dust and said  – Sorry, just lost my balance for a moment. So where we were?

She’s got her power back and hell, next time she won’t give it away so easily…

 


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Feel the fear but do it anyway

pexels-photoWe are humans, and we are afraid. Afraid too much and too often. We are afraid of rejection, of failure, of success, of losing, of not corresponding to someone’s expectations, of being late, of being fat, unattractive, not enough, not loved, and not accepted. We are so afraid of everything that we simply choose not to act at all. And so we fail.

We stay where we are in life, because we are afraid to try something new and different. We are afraid to dream. What if it won’t happen? What if I fail? What if that person rejects me? What if they think Im crazy? What if …

It’s amazing how our brain can be creative in coming up with hundreds of excuses. It will tell you anything just so you leave it alone in its comfort zone. It is so nice here and familiar! i don’t want to take that leap of faith because I dont know what to expect there!

What if after that step my life will never be the same again?

Exactly. Your life will never be the same again if you choose to act. Your life will be much better. It will expand and show you that behind that scary line which you can’t seem to cross – your new-self is waiting for you. Nothing crashed. Nothing burned to ashes. Your life still goes on. But you are slightly different. Slightly more confident. Slightly more happy and proud that you did it despite the fear. 

And so you want more. And you do more, slightly less afraid each time. Now you know, that feeling fear is normal, but it doesn’t mean that you don’t act. You start choosing action over fear every single moment of your life. And your life starts to change.

It doesn’t mean you will never fail or never get rejected. It means that you stop caring about final result, because you know that it is not the end of the world. There will be another opportunity, another chance, another try. Your mindset starts shifting, and you simply take each failure as experience and the reason to try one more time.

We do these choices every day.

Should I tell that person how I feel or not? OMG but this is so scary, what if he/she doesn’t feel the same way and will think im an idiot??

Take a deep breath and calm down. And think. How will you ever know how she feels, if you don’t ask(or dont say how you feel) ? And even if she rejects you – what will happen? What is the worst case scenario? Nothing really will change!! Your life will still go on. But at least you won’t have a continuous battle inside your head – “Should I speak to her or not?” At least you will know that you did your best.

Every time you are facing the situation where you have to choose if to speak up / act or not – choose YES, and see what happens. Literally think to yourself – alright, I’ll let it all fail, crash and burn, I’m ready! And do it. Be that “different” person by simply being yourself and acting on your impulses and ideas. Do not suppress them. They are valid. They are same important as anyone’s else ideas. They make you you.

Do crazy things which normally you wouldn’t . Go for that trip you always wanted, but pretended you don’t have money for it. Take those classes for which you “never had time” before. Buy yourself that superexpensive purse/jeans/bike/car and see that your financial state did not get worse as you expected.

Act, try, fail, burn it all, start over, try again. Speak up and be ready to look stupid or strange. And see that nobody actually thinks about you that way. Everybody is obsessed with themselves so much that they don’t really care what you do or say. In fact, people will start respecting you more and taking you as example. They will feel that you are authentic, they will feel that you aren’t afraid to show yourself to the world.

Say YES to life, and life will say YES to you. It so will…


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Meditation guide for beginners

First tip for any beginner: Do not get discouraged if you don’t get it right. Nobody does it from the first time.

I’ve started my practice few months ago and I often don’t get it right – my mind wanders, body can’t settle in a sit position, sounds from surroundings don’t let me focus. But I keep on  practicing – and I start to notice that each time its easier to let go of thoughts and tap into meditative state.

So where to start ? Which type of meditation to choose? How to prepare for it? I’ve put together quick guide:

1. No prior preparation required. Just start, right here, right now. Whenever you feel a call. Don’t wait for the evening or morning or until you buy the mat or candles. You can do it anywhere and anytime.

2. I recommend choosing guided meditations. The voice will guide you trough the process.

3. Choose very short ones – 5 to 15 minutes. Our mind is not used to stand still, it will be constantly interrupted by the to-do list , worries about partner or repeating over the events from the day. Start small, eventually your brain will adapt and ask for more.

4. Pay attention to your inner feedback – if that particular meditation doesn’t feel good – don’t do it

5. There are several ways to calm your mind: focusing on your breath, repeating mantras or visualizations. Visualization works best for me. But you can simply start by noticing your breath.

List of my favorite meditations:

There are tons of others on youtube and all over the internet. Search for them, try those which feel best, then try some other.

And really do not worry if its not perfect. Just do your best in learning this new skill. You may feel frustrated or awkward, but you will notice shifts in your thinking right from the start. This is your first step towards mindful living.


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List of my favorite life coaches

I have been researching area of self-growth and development for quite a long time now. I went trough thousands articles, hundreds authors and blogs. Some I’ve rejected immediately, from some I liked few articles only. All of them though, to different extend, made positive effect on my life, and I am glad to share the list of biggest contributors.

Here is my top7 chart:

  1. Kelsey Aida – my number ONE life guide. Huge number of blog entries about manifesting good stuff into your life. She is so positive, full of energy and love, that you just want to stay around her blog for a little more…
  2. Marie Forleo – famous world-class life coach. She speaks mainly about creating business of your dream, but you can apply her advice to any other aspect of your life
  3. BoldSelf – Chiara Mazzucco’s blog is mainly about making changes in your personality – become confident, assertive person, the one you always wanted to be
  4. re-self – my most stable life coach. I ‘ve been researching and changing places for inspiration all the time, but Olesya stays with me for years now. If you are ready to read the tough truth about yourself – its definitely place to go. Her main website is in Russian language, however, they recently started to translate it to English.
  5. TheUnlost – my career guide. It does really help! The author opens your eyes on some common life misconceptions. You suddenly realize that it’s okay to be who and where you are, but if you want to – you can move forward.
  6. Brendon Burchard – recent discovery. The guy is just amazing. He is smiling, and speaks simple and is so excited about the things he talks, that you don’t have a choice but to get excited too!
  7. A Home for Multipotentialites – also my very recent discovery. Although I did not stay there for long, but I think that the idea they convey is quite interesting – how to combine all of your skills, talents and passions into one business. Might be helpful for someone.

That will be all for now 🙂