What are your deepest heart desires? What makes you genuinely happy? What do YOU want from life?
My whole life I have been following dreams of others.
- Everyone is losing weight – I have to do it too! (I have 49 kilos…)
- Everyone learns programming – it will open all doors for me – Im gonna learn it too!
- Everyone gets married by 25, 30, .. – I have to get married too!
- Everyone buys a flat – damn, I still don’t have money for it – What am I going to do??? my life is over…
I never realized one simple truth. I don’t want all those things
I don’t want to buy a flat, Im not planning to stay here forever, or even if I will – it’s perfectly fine to rent a flat. Even if for the next 10 years. Even if my whole life. Maybe I will change my opinion later, but right now I DONT WANT TO BUY A FLAT.
I don’t want to just get married. I want to fall in love, have healthy and harmonious relationships, and then, and ONLY then I want to create a family. I DONT WANT FAMILY before having loving relationships.
Losing weight, oh God… With the weight of 48-50 kilo I was starving for weeks, going to the gym, and still thinking that Im fat.. Because everyone else seems to be fat too! Everybody goes to them gym to lose weight, so should I…
And damn it, I don’t want to code! Yes I am in IT. I studied Computer science. And everybody around me dreams to be a programmer. But that’s not my thing! I mean, I CAN code. I am QUITE good at it. I was learning it for a while, when I managed to FORCE myself into it. I had to make an enormous effort to study. Programmers earn good money! There is no other way to earn good money but to code! My father would be proud of me! My friends would envy me! … But one day I simply gave myself permission to not be what everyone else wants. I don’t want to be a developer. period.
Such a relief..
When I stopped wanting what others want – I started to feel my own desires. And I started to follow them.
I want to be a writer. Maybe a life coach. Maybe corporate consultant or PR manager – I dont know yet. And it’s okay not to have it figured out. I enjoy every day of discovering who am I and what is my life purpose. Im getting closer to my true self by simply following my wishes.
I want to have a cat, to write, reach out, connect, help. Bring more light around me. I want to travel , to visit Asia. I don’t want to settle.
I want to have loving relationships WITH THAT SPECIFIC PERSON. UUf, such a tabu all over the internet – NEVER wish for a specific person. But I say – go ahead and wish. Do not deny your own desires, it will just cause destructive resistance inside of you. It did cause nearly a war inside of me!
– I want him!
– No, you can’t want him, it’s written in internet, didn’t you see it? You can’t!
– Ok, I don’t want him! ….. Damn, I still do want him.
– No,no, you can’t, he has free will and everything. you cant want what you want!
Until I finally surrendered and said to myself: Yes, I want HIM. But I’m opened to other options.
Another huge relief from my shoulders.
I AM ALLOWED TO WANT WHAT I WANT!!!
Doesn’t it make you happy just by realizing this?
My life has dramatically changed since I let myself feel and put my desires first. I am real, and so my dreams are real too. They are valid, no matter how crazy, small, unimportant or unusual they may seem..
It’s okay not to be a programmer. It’s okay to be me.