Life balance

Balance. The ultimate goal. Ricky Lankford

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Two concepts of love dependency

Lets start with one truth: we all suffered from love dependency. Everyone around you had it, has it now, or is going to have it any time soon.

I had it for many years. Starting at vulnerable age of 18 and continuing for the next decade. The guys and environments were changing, years passing,  but my behavior was stable – begging for love was my normal state.

It is only recently that I have realized that it’s gone. The need of drops of love from others has vanished. I do not need drama anymore and I live in peace. Now looking back at how I behaved and analyzing lessons I ve learned – I can say something useful about it.

Love dependency is supported by two concepts: no self-love and attachment to the outcome.

No self-love is an enormous disease of modern society. It comes from our childhood, when parents, siblings, teachers or friends didn’t pay enough attention to us, so we grew up with the thought that we are not enough.  That we are not worth of unconditional love, we have to work so hard to get it, compete with others, be outstanding for someone to notice us …  We dont love ourselves, so when we have some smallest drop of attention from other person – we hang on it like on drug. We want more. We gonna fight for it and get it, no matter what it takes, so we can again feel accepted, even if just for a short moment, even if there is only a promise of being loved.

The truth is – you are enough and worth of unconditional love no matter who you are, what you do and how you look like. But you don’t realize it. You think that love can come only from others, when in reality it starts from loving yourself.

Caring about yourself, doing things you like, eating healthy food, practicing yoga, sports, reading books, going for SPA , wearing nice clothes and accessories – everything is an indicator of how much you love yourself. Do you buy new clothes regularly, or you wear the same one until it has holes on it? Do you go for SPA/ massages often, or only when somebody gives it to you as a gift? Do you eat good food, or you are trying to save some money by buying cheap low-quality products?

There are thousands of materials out there in internet on the topic of self-love and self-care, so I wouldn’t like to repeat it all here. The point is to read and start doing them! When you rise your confidence by shaping up your body, wearing better clothes, having glowing skin  – you automatically start loving yourself. Meditations, affirmations, reading, drawing – anything what makes you feel good and helps you grow.

The second thing which makes us cling on someone – is attachment to the result. For example, we ve met that guy few weeks ago, he is so nice and charming, he seems to accept all of you with all your bullshits and craziness(again, its about desire for someone to accept us the way we are). He is definitely my soul mate!! How else it can be? Nobody else understood me so well before. HE IS THE ONE!

Usually we ignore 10000 signs that he is NOT the one. He is married(!) or has a partner, he is still studying and does not think about family (while you do), he has fun when drinking while you have fun when reading(or vise versa), he sees red where you see green. And that would be absolutely okay under different circumstances. But the problem is that you want it all! You want the final result, now and forever. You want to marry him or at least to have a commitment from him that he is planning to marry you! Or you want serious relationships. And he has to commit now otherwise you ll not survive!! And despite common idea that only girls are like that – guys are doing the same. Many guys wanted loud and clear commitment from me, which I didn’t want to give.

Why don’t we stop for a moment and enjoy the way things are? You have some sweet flirting going on with someone? Amazing! It is really nice that you have it!. Say to yourself – yes, with that person I have flirt. I may have it tomorrow or I may not. With other person I go for coffees. Or dinners. He is nice person so I really enjoy dinners with him! Tomorrow it might be another person to go for dinners with. Or maybe tomorrow I’ll just go shopping.

Don’t expect any outcome of any relationships. Don’t take each of them as “he is the one” thing. Life is not about coming to some final destination point, life is about experiencing new feelings, new people, new things. Even if you get to your “final epic top of the mountain” with that person – what then? Your life will stop? You will be ultimately happy and never want to meet other people again? Or you will meet another “the one” and cling on this idea with him now?

Since I ve realized these two simple things – self-love and no attachment to the outcome – all my relationships became so much easier. I never wait for “HIS” call anymore. I never secretly hope for “marring him and having 5 babies”. I m just really enjoying and being thankful for his/their presence in my life. It would be so boring without flirting, dating, smiles, sweet words and butterflies in the stomach. Definitely it’s a good thing, so just let it happen, and wait to see what’s gonna happen next.

Life is supposed to be joyful and easy. Leave drama for movies 🙂

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After your heart was broken

Straight away I have two things to say: YES, recovery is possible. And NO, you won’t be sad forever.

Year and half ago I went trough a terrible breakup. There even wasn’t an actual breakup – the guy suddenly moved away without a goodbye, and left me alone in the peak of my feelings. I will not go into details of our relationships, I rather will describe what happened to me after.

I lost peace. I lost sleep. I was sad like never before. I could not work, could not learn, could not fully enjoy my life anymore. Every single event was reminding me of him – the song on the radio, his name everywhere i can look at, things he did and liked – everything just flooded there on me from every corner, making my life unbearable.

I was complaining to all my friends and family. I was trying to go out as much as I can to keep my mind of him. I was crying and depressed every day and it seemed there is no end to this…

For half a year i was hoping he will come back. I was sure about it. How couldn’t he? There was so strong connection between us, so powerful attraction – it is clear he is my soul mate and he WILL come back!!

But he didn’t. Not after half year, not after year and half. Slowly, very slowly, I started to realize that. Half a year passed – he was completely silent. He lived his life like nothing unusual happened. From time to time our common friends were proving me, again and again, that he didn’t have same strong feelings as I had, and that he is not returning.

After half a year I decided to tell him everything what was on my mind. Everything what should have been said face-to-face on a good-bye talk which never happened. So I sent him an email, long and dramatic email about how I felt and how much he hurt me, and at the same time apologizing for me hurting him. He did not reply anything. But I know he has read it, and it was a crucial moment for me – I started to feel better.

I was still thinking of him, yes. But I didn’t suffer . I was still imagining how he comes to me all sad and sorry and begs me to forgive him. But I was not really believing it . Suffering part was over. Now started acceptance and understanding part, after which I came to a complete recover.

To summarize , I would divide the process to two parts

Just after the breakup:

  1. Cry it out! Let yourself be sad – cry, complain, stay home alone in sorrows. For a while. For a longer while. Don’t try to run from it or hide it – it will be still in your head on the background, and it will be poisoning you and one day will explode in very ugly way. Involve all your friends and family for moral support, and don’t care of those who judge you – they either don’t know how it feels, or they just don’t care about you. Ignore them
  2. Research the internet – when your friends don’t know what more to say – internet does. There are thousands, millions people out there who went, or going, trough the same. See their examples, read about it, connect with them – it really helps to know that you are not alone.
  3. Speak up – if you can – meet or call the person who hurt you ,and say EVERYTHING what bothers you and what is on your mind. Do it not because you want him back (even though you do), do it intentionally to make yourself a favor. To start feeling better. If you can’t do it – write it down on paper and then destroy. It was a huge milestone for me when I wrote that email

After suffering part is over:

  1. According to researches – emotional pain lasts 12 minutes!! After that its fed by our own thoughts and reactions. If you can make yourself suffer – you can make yourself happy.
  2. The person who hurt you, most probably did not do it on purpose. He did not wake up that morning with the thought – today I will hurt her! That will be cool! People act out of their own pains and insecurities – you just happened to participate in their own life battles. Try to forgive him
  3. Get rid of regrets – believe it or not, there was nothing you could do about the situation to keep him from walking away, from cheating etc. That person was sent to you for a lesson, and only for it. No matter what you do, no matter how much effort you put – you cant change it. Its not your soul mate! soul mates do not walk away so easily.
  4. Following 3 – be grateful for lessons he gave you. Maybe he pushed your boundaries and you realized you are capable of more. Maybe he was giving you all his love and attention so that you realize that you deserve it. Or maybe he left you so that you finally believe that you can manage on your own! Think about what changed in your life since he came in and came out, and be thankful for these changes.
  5. The pain is necessary. Without pain we don’t understand what we are doing wrong. We don’t open our eyes. We don’t grow.
  6. Understand that HE is not actually HE. The are millions HEs walking around you, waiting to be chosen. He is not that handsome, kind, loving and special as you remember him. Its our brain who creates that picture of ideal love, trying to complete the puzzle of unfinished relationships. You WILL find another special, you just have to stand up, shake off and go explore the world.
  7. The most important one: LOVE YOURSELF. It cant be stressed enough. All our insecurities – jealousy,  depression, anxiety, … – come from lack of love to ourselves. This pushes us to go and search for love in outside world, and when we find some piece of it – we immediately attach. We are so thirsty and desperate for love and appreciation, that sometimes we are ready to stand any emotional or physical abuse, just to get a sip of unconditional love.

Love yourself, grow , explore, shift your focus on anything what brings you joy.

And remember: you won’t be sad forever.