Life balance

Balance. The ultimate goal. Ricky Lankford


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Your dreams vs. dreams of others

 

What are your deepest heart desires? What makes you genuinely happy? What do YOU want from life?

My whole life I have been following dreams of others.

  • Everyone is losing weight – I have to do it too! (I have 49 kilos…)
  • Everyone learns programming – it will open all doors for me – Im gonna learn it too!
  • Everyone gets married by 25, 30, .. – I have to get married too!
  • Everyone buys a flat – damn, I still don’t have money for it – What am I going to do??? my life is over…

I never realized one simple truth. I don’t want all those things

I don’t want to buy a flat, Im not planning to stay here forever, or even if I will – it’s perfectly fine to rent a flat. Even if for the next 10 years. Even if my whole life. Maybe I will change my opinion later, but right now I DONT WANT TO BUY A FLAT.

I don’t want to just get married. I want to fall in love, have healthy and harmonious relationships, and then, and ONLY then I want to create a family. I DONT WANT FAMILY before having loving relationships.

Losing weight, oh God… With the weight of 48-50 kilo I was starving for weeks, going to the gym, and still thinking that Im fat.. Because everyone else seems to be fat too! Everybody goes to them gym to lose weight, so should I…

And damn it, I don’t want to code! Yes I am in IT. I studied Computer science. And everybody around me dreams to be a programmer. But that’s not my thing! I mean, I CAN code.  I am QUITE good at it. I was learning it for a while, when I managed to FORCE myself into it. I had to make an enormous effort to study. Programmers earn good money! There is no other way to earn good money but to code! My father would be proud of me! My friends would envy me! … But one day I simply gave myself permission to not be what everyone else wants. I don’t want to be a developer. period.

Such a relief..

When I stopped wanting what others want – I started to feel my own desires. And I started to follow them.

I want to be a writer. Maybe a life coach. Maybe corporate consultant or PR manager – I dont know yet. And it’s okay not to have it figured out. I enjoy every day of discovering who am I and what is my life purpose. Im getting closer to my true self by simply following my wishes.

I want to have a cat, to write, reach out, connect, help. Bring more light around me. I want to travel , to visit Asia. I don’t want to settle.

I want to have loving relationships WITH THAT SPECIFIC PERSON. UUf, such a tabu all over the internet – NEVER wish for a specific person. But I say – go ahead and wish. Do not deny your own desires, it will just cause destructive resistance inside of you. It did cause nearly a war inside of me!

– I want him!

– No, you can’t want him, it’s written in internet, didn’t you see it? You can’t!

– Ok, I don’t want him! ….. Damn, I still do want him.

– No,no, you can’t, he has free will and everything. you cant want what you want!

Until I finally surrendered and said to myself: Yes, I want HIM. But I’m opened to other options.

Another huge relief from my shoulders.

I AM ALLOWED TO WANT WHAT I WANT!!! 

Doesn’t it make you happy just by realizing this?

My life has dramatically changed since I let myself feel and put my desires first. I am real, and so my dreams are real too. They are valid, no matter how crazy, small, unimportant or unusual they may seem..

It’s okay not to be a programmer. It’s okay to be me.

 

 

 

 

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It’s me. It’s always me. And always has been

P1230157_newRelationships. Why do we make them so painful. Why do we still prefer war over love…

I had really difficult childhood. I lived in poverty, sometimes with no food, in constant fights, aggression, hatred, blame and pain. I grew up learning that I am nothing if I don’t get good grades. I was blamed, shamed and punished for every single step I made. Whether good or bad, it was always bad. Except for good grades. That mattered. And so I studied. I wasn’t allowed to play with other kids after school. At all. I was studying. And looking at them out of my window. I believed that they are better than me because they are out there playing. They must have earned that. They also have better clothes. They travel and go out. And I don’t. I am worse than them. No other kid was forbidden to go out and play. Only I was. And my sister.

Everyone out there is better than me and my family

Up until recent weeks I didn’t realize that this was my life credo. I was living my childhood story, over and over again. With every relationship, every partner, friend, boss or anybody who entered my life – my only pattern was “I am worse than you. So I have to cover it up as much as I can and prove the opposite”

And so I behaved correspondingly. Aggressive. Blaming. Needy.

“I can’t let them know that im worse!! Im good! See? Dont you see it? You really can’t see it? How else can I prove it to you?”

And the Universe patiently listened. “You need another chance to prove it! Got’ya!”.. “They don’t hear you!”, “Nobody sees how good you are!”

And so it sent me corresponding people. One after another.

Unavailable or same needy men. Betraying friends. Nobody ever “heard me”

Sometimes I prayed for better people, and so the Universe sent those too.

“What?? You love me?? Without any proof? Whom are you kidding!! Not interested” – was my usual response to them.

And the Universe was still listening. Kept on sending teachers to me. Tried to knock into my door and show me the other way. But I wasn’t interested. I didn’t care. I was too busy with proving to everyone how good I am and wondering why can’t I have “normal” friends..

It wasn’t until devastating heartbreak that I started to wake up. I was in unbearable pain for a long time…

Until one day I was fed up with suffering and refused to take it any longer. I literally screamed in tears to the Universe: “I can’t take it anymore! Show me something! Give me hope! What should I do with my life??”

I will remember that day forever. I cried out my pain. Calmed down. Turned on my laptop and with no obvious reason opened a book which I stored there for years and never opened before. The book is called “Conversations with God”. I started to read it from the middle. And one of the first phrases I’ve read was: “You are reading these words because you asked for it” … I got paralyzed…. And read the whole book in one breath.

Since then I believe in God. I believe that we receive what we ask for. I believe that there are no victims, no luck and no fate. There is deliberate creation. There are thoughts, which build up into thought patterns and end up as actions. There are intentions and the charge they bring. We do get what we want. Always.

But we are unable to receive it. We are unable to see what we’ve asked for. The negative thought patterns are so deep, that we don’t recognize when what we’ve asked for comes our way.

And so we get another lesson. Another negative experience to open our eyes. To understand what we want and to know that we are worthy of receiving it. Another reminder to change our belief system. Another lesson on self-love.

It all begins and ends with you. It’s not them. You believe that you aren’t worthy of what you asked for. And so you sabotage it. You blame others and push away good because you think you don’t deserve it. Or you attract bad because you think that this is the only thing you deserve. And you don’t understand it and keep on blaming yourself for attracting bad into you life, and so creating more guilt and unworthiness…It can go on forever.

But the Universe is smart. It will send you bad people. But you won’t listen. Then an accident. But you will blame that idiot who crashed your car. Then a severe disease. But you will blame God for being unfair to you. It will send you the worse experiences until you wake up. Until you realize your worthiness. Until you learn to love yourself. Until you stop pushing away what you have asked for. And start receiving with gratitude. And finally start loving.

It’s you. It’s always you. And always has been

❤ ❤ ❤ Love&peace to all who may read this ❤ ❤ ❤

 

 


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She’s got her power back

pexels-photo-573299You know. That special, attractive woman power. When you smile a lot and everything seems possible. When random strangers smile back at you and come and start conversation. When you feel excitement for life, and deep peace inside at the same time. When people around are charging from you and raising their own vibration and spirit. Magical, god-like, unstoppable power of love.

For a while she gave that power away to a man. A man which she thought is meant for her, and that she could not survive without him. When she gave away her power, she lost her shine and beauty. Her light got locked away in the cage of fear. Fear of loss and not being good enough. Her light drowned in the darkness of misery and self-pity.

And he felt it. He felt she can’t survive without him. And so he left, to prove her the opposite. He left, so that she could raise again. So that she finally learns not to let anybody on this planet have such control over her.

And she felt that it’s coming. She knew it’s inevitable. She had to go trough a place of deep loneliness again, as another reminder to love herself unconditionally and to hold on to her inner strength. To go within and find unshakable confidence despite any outside storms.

And so she’s got back up, shook off the dust and said  – Sorry, just lost my balance for a moment. So where we were?

She’s got her power back and hell, next time she won’t give it away so easily…