Its 11:20 PM here and I have one of those “overthinking” evenings, when I just cant make it stop. My brain is overwhelmed and tired from mulling daily events and failures all over again. I cant sleep at night, or when I do, I dream about my problems. My thoughts are in chaos, my feelings are mixed, and I literally can not bear it anymore.
The last time I wrote here was 211 days ago. I was full of hopes and confidence in myself. I was sure I started to make steps towards better life and my dreams, but .. Here I am, after 7 months, on absolutely same place with no progress.
Well ok, I did some small movements, or at least I tried. I got promoted at work. At work which I hate. After a while of boiling on new position I gave up. I said to my management that I dont want it anymore, and I started to hate my job even more.
I ve read other thousands of articles for self-improvement. I tried learning several new things. And then I quit them all. I did not continue, I did not even get some basic level, I just lost interest and couldnt force myself to do it any longer. Instead I got back to smoking which I quit 2 years ago, and Im hanging out with my friends quite often. Its not that I dont love my friends. But I do nothing else. I dont develop. dont grow. dont thrive for something. Im just wasting my time and staying on the same place for months, or rather – for years. I prefer smoking and drinking as its much easier and more fun than learning. And because of all this I feel even worse.
But why is it happening to me? Im a serial quitter. Whatever I start which looks amazing and attractive at the beginning, I just quit, cant push myself to stay on the track for longer than a week or few. What am I missing here, in me? Is it lack of discipline, or Im trying wrong things, which are simply not for me? I do realize all harm which comes from my lifestyle. But I cant do anything about it. I dont get it.. I feel good for a while when i relax with my friends. But then I come home and every time I feel bad, empty, I did exactly nothing today, the same I did yesterday and the day before. Im continuously thinking about it, Im not proud of myself. But the story repeats every day – I say to myself – I will just go out for 1 hour and then I go back home and I will learn that stuff Ive started. Well. it is never 1 hour…
I wish there was a magician to help me out with this. It definitely has to be magician, who else can manage my case?
Now that i ve put this all on “paper” I feel a bit better. At least it gave some shape to my problem. Its just the smallest thing has left – to find solution 🙂
I will think about it tomorrow.